« Previous Entry | MAIN | Next Entry »
June 19, 2004
The Purpose of Tools
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we
are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on boxes containing leather goods. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for
spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. PLIERS: Used to
round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost
entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. WHITWORTH
SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are
now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you
in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts
and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time
it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car
to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:
Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for
removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has
another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic
instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A
handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines
you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A
large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy
tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your
toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own
tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin
D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at
night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab
the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can
also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads. AIR
COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years
ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to
crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order
to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
short.
DLancer7676@... 32693
Posted on June 19, 2004 09:27 PM
Posted to category(s) Body | Braking System | Cooling System | Cylinder Head | Electrical System | Engine (external) | Engine (internal) | Exterior | Gauges | Intake System | Interior | International | Lubrication System | Miscellaneous | Restoration | Technical Info | Tuning | Wheels
